Truly listening happens when we allow ourselves “to be moved physically, chemically, emotionally, and intellectually” by what someone is speaking to us. We’re all guilty of this from time to time, but being a better listener involves more than dropping bad habits. We readily identify the absent-minded perfunctory responses, the nervous energy, looking around the room, the glancing at the phone, interrupting, or responding with vagaries. We're much better at identifying traits of bad listeners than good ones. It comes across as condescending and insincere. We know intuitively when someone is just following social protocol. They may even be making great eye contact, nodding sympathetically, and giving the occasional token “hmmm.” But we can tell when the lights are dim behind the listeners’ eyes. We all know what it’s like to be in conversation with someone and realize the other person is not engaged with us at all. It’s a lost art, but it’s an art that can be regained. If you’re not a good listener, you might find some solace in the fact that you are in good company. The cultural pattern of not listening well is pervasive. Listening at its best promotes good conversation, but we often listen in a way that truncates it. Many of us would plead guilty to indulging daydreams of landing those show-stopping “mic drop” moments. Cable news is short on thoughtful, evenhanded discussions, and long on shouting matches with pundits trying to get the last word. TV and popular culture don’t exactly model good listening for us, either. ![]() It’s what stenographers write when everyone is talking and they don’t know what to type. “Crosstalk” is one of the most pervasive words in congressional transcripts. Politics is another domain in which genuine listening is an uncommon phenomenon. And then there’s the conditioning you might have heard from coaches and parents who were upset or intense when they insisted you “need to listen up.” For those who grew up associating listening with rules, castigation, and critique, listening can carry unpleasant associations. Social media allows you to curate what you listen to and get rid of whatever you don’t want to hear. Delivering a TED Talk is much more of the cultural ideal than sitting in the audience and taking it in. “Be assertive and let your voice be heard,” is the common messaging. Culture emphasizes charisma, controlling the narrative, and guiding a conversation. We are as anxious to avoid being persuaded as we are to persuade others. Debate teams teach people to listen in order to rebut-not to reconsider their own position. Signs of our struggles to listen are deeply embedded in our culture: Neither has our struggle to truly listen. One depressed member later confessed that “there was no truth in anything they said.” A century later, this mindset of having a one-liner ready hasn’t really gone anywhere. They were listening for pauses, not to hear what others were saying. They waited patiently for a slight lull in the banter and injected their bit. Another critic hated himself so intensely that just before dying of cardiac arrest, he revealed, “I never had anything to say.” Part of the problem was that no one in these discussions really listened. One writer attempted suicide three times. What most people did not know, however, was that many of the regulars at the Algonquin were profoundly lonely and depressed. Their banter enthralled the nation and the legacy continues to shape our conception of humor. These were some of the sharpest wits of their day and they would joust and jest with such elegance that newspapers would record and print the lively exchanges. In the 1920s, a group of famed writers and actors regularly gathered for a roundtable chat at the Algonquin Hotel in Manhattan. Read on for key insights from You're Not Listening. ![]() You’re Not Listening is an ode to better relationships, deeper understanding, and the reclamation of a vanishing art form. These experiences as a professional listener sent Murphy on a quest to understand what good listening is and the perks it brings. It is a surprising and gratifying experience for both parties, and often these unexpected meanderings into unchartered conversational territory have inspired Murphy’s best storytelling. She has witnessed what an open, attentive presence unlocks for others, as interviewees share far more than they intended to. Every time she interviews someone for a story, she asks questions and then carefully attends to the response. But what are we overlooking when we are so determined to get a word in edgewise? Journalist Kate Murphy knows a thing or two about listening well. Besides “I love you,” the phrases “Let me finish” and “You’re not listening to me” are among the most common in close relationships.
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